Lee Stupendous

Raise me from the dead please. I've been dead for as long as I can remember. My chest hurts and I can't keep up with my fears. I forgot what I am worried about, which worries me. I haven't formed a thought in years or at least one that I believe. Years pass and things seem to have changed but the pit in my stomach stays. I wish I could tell you what's wrong, fuck I wish you could tell me what's wrong. Nothing can be this terrible. I know this fact and still, the immovable object holds me down. Even as I am writing this, my stomach hurts. The funniest thing about all of this is that in this very moment, I am still concerned with feeling stupid. Discounting my own pain as something not real when I myself am the one who experiences it. That's a warped way of seeing things, I think. I wish I could write about anything else, something about those around me or the state of the world but I can't. I'm too self-involved and can only concern myself with myself. This too kills me. I want you to feel bad for me or at least see me in a certain light. A different light than I see myself in or maybe it's all the same thing. I want this to be funny and in some ways, it probably is. In reality, there is little funny about a 20 something white guy who somehow thinks that he has real world pain when everything else would say the opposite. I can only fall so far until I am swooped up by the safety net that I have around me. This is confusing and a bit ridiculous to grasp. There is also the aspect of taking this all too seriously. It is most likely the internal pressure that feeds off the external until they become interchangeable in my own sense of self. You can only be a fraud if there is actually someone under the facade but what if the facade is who I am? That's not a facade, that's just a shallow person. 

Actually, just kidding. I'm fine. 

We have all been in a waiting room for some reason or other. Whether that be waiting for your car to be serviced, dentist appointment, or your STD test results. I too have been in a waiting room for a couple of those reasons. One of those, in particular, was waiting for my car to be fixed and as I don't have many friends, I decided against having someone pick me up in favor of sitting in the Ford waiting "lounge". There were televisions and vending machines with only Monster and HoHo's. Awards adorned the walls for "Best Repair Location of 2004" and "Outstanding Sales Performance of 2000". One of them that particularly caught my eye was the "Most Improved Penetration of 1996". This is shown to be an excellence in sales achievement award though I am hesitant to believe such a thing. I glance over to the man at the counter sipping his Monster and satisfied from his second HoHo of the day by 9 am. He sees me eyeing this prestigious award and winks at me as if to say that it was his penetration specifically that had improved. While the man and now I guess myself without choice are basking in his glory for his achievement, a man in his 60s had been on the phone for the last 30 minutes who plays the role of someone who may not even have a car here to be serviced but just likes "hanging out" here, began to cough uncontrollably. There are 8 people in here and most glance over but look away quickly. "I'm sure this will end soon, no way that he can continue to cough like this". This assumption was wrong as the man continued to hack away and I can only imagine what the person on the other end of the phone is hearing, that is if he was ever talking to anyone in the first place. The polite thing to do would be to speak through coughs to tell the person that he will call them back but this doesn't happen. This coughing continues for over a minute and the patrons of the lounge are just about over it. A younger man finally asks from across the room, "You need some water or anything man?" The coughing man waves him off and smiles through the hacking as if to say I'm fine though that is up for debate at the moment. The saga continues as a couple who were sitting near the man have now moved across the lounge. Finally, someone says what we were all thinking, "For the love of God man, would you either leave the room or shut the fuck up?" This comes as a shock to the coughing man as he can't help it and to the other patrons as they are shocked someone let their intrusive thoughts win to tell someone coughing to shut the fuck up though undoubtedly, we were all thinking it. The penetration man from earlier brings out a glass of water for the man and again, he refuses though it's clear that he needs it. The worst part about it is that he has a water bottle sitting right next to him but he just won't drink it. This ordeal continues and no one is sure what to do at this point. A woman who had come in about halfway through it all mutters under her breath "Jesus Christ man". There are now a few employees who have heard what has been going on and most of them aren't working on cars, ie. why we are all in this waiting room for so long, who have come into the lounge as if they could potentially do something to help the situation. The Jesus Christ woman gestures to one of the employees as if to say, "Do something". One of the employees who had been here for quite a while nodded and whispered to another employee. He nodded and proceeded to approach the penetration man. He said to him, "You know what to do". The penetration man comes out from the desk and walks the coughing man behind his counter. Intrigued and invested at this point, all of us in the waiting lounge followed with bated breath to see what they were whispering about and why the penetration man seemed so happy to take care of the situation. Questions flooded our minds including the "Are they just gonna put him down?" Is this how that works? Most of us in that room were at peace with that decision as this had gone on much too long. Then as if some sort of magic, the coughing ceases. The coughing man is nowhere to be seen and the penetration man is standing up behind his desk. Oddly, the penetration man seems to be enjoying himself and thrusting his hips. The penetration man lets out a scream of excitement, "AHHHH it feels like 1996 again". At last, the coughing had ended and we could all enjoy some silence. Well, besides the sex noises from behind the desk that were louder than the coughs were in the first place. 

There is a man who wanders the street dressed as a clown, complete with white makeup and a red nose. He rarely goes anywhere without being in full clown garb. He feels more comfortable this way and according to him, he is not hiding anything but rather being his true self. One day he was shocked when he left his house that others on the street were also dressed up this way. He wondered if there was some sort of clown convention that was in town but couldn't find evidence of that. Curiosity got him and he just had to ask someone. There was a couple walking toward him and he stopped them. Why are you guys dressed this way? They both had confused looks on their face as if he was almost insulting them. We always dress this way, do you have a problem with it? He went on his way with an equally confused look as the couple did. He decided to sit down at an outside cafe and watch the people on the street as they passed. Some were laughing, some were sad but all dressed the same way that he was. He started to feel insecure because being a clown was his thing and now he felt that he was ordinary. He couldn't have that so he went to the restroom and removed all of his clown makeup, red nose included. As he is doing this, a familiar face walks up to the sink next to him. He was surprised to see that he too was removing his clown makeup. Hey man! It's been a while. What are you doing? The familiar face looked over at him, didn't say a word, finished up, and proceeded to leave. Tears began to stream down the man's face out of confusion and sadness. What was happening? Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and his true self was now in question. He wonders who he truly is if he isn't different than everyone else and now his old friend doesn't even recognize him without the clown makeup. He gathers himself and makes his way back out the street. He is shocked again as everyone no longer has any clown makeup anymore. He screams out on the street in indistinguishable shouts. What is going on?! Is everyone playing a trick on me? He sits in silence for a while and decides that he has no choice but to go back to his clown ways. He proceeds to return to the restroom to reapply the white makeup and red nose once again. He feels at peace though still uneasy about what had happened today. He is leaving the restroom when someone enters the restroom who too is wearing the same makeup as him. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? He goes back to his seat outside and sees that everyone has now gone back to their clown ways. He wants to be angry but for some reason, he sits in silence. He takes a moment and then finally comes to the conclusion: I guess we are all clowns after all and I'm no different. 

James is 24 years old and entered the workforce immediately after college. He has two years of experience but carries himself as if he has been doing it for decades. He is the quintessential young professional out to conquer the corporate world one deal at a time. James has a girlfriend who works at his company, a dream of his to have a workplace romance at his dream job. The pair has just moved into a penthouse in the wealthy side of town. This is the kind of place that James always saw himself in, well in all honestly, James has always been in places like this as James' father runs the company that he works for and has been living in penthouses his entire life. This was different because James was now a young professional so this was his place. Daddy still pays for 75% of the rent but James has to contribute 25%. His first taste of responsibility. The first couple months James was unable to pay the 25% so his dad covered it but soon enough James will be paying for it himself. He believes in himself and his father sort of does but still has faith that his son can follow in his footsteps. James has decided that he wants to carve his own path and get the respect of his peers by doing things on his own. The logical move was to get a job at this father's company but he promises that he got the job on his own through his qualifications. He really believes that. James love to golf and when he leaves the house, he tells his girlfriend that he is off to network. For James, golfing is a step in the right direction to gain traction in the business world. He has yet to close any deals on the golf course but he will, he knows it. He is also a foodie and loves trying new restaurants. He is rude to the waiters and his girlfriend loves it. She gets her jabs in as well, making sure that the help knows that they are exactly that, the help. It feels good for them to know that they are living better than those who are bringing them their lobster tails. James isn't a bad person, he just knows that if he wants to be the person that he sees himself, this is the necessary step. Fake it til you make it as far as James is concerned. He likes to give the waiters a performance review on the receipt, telling them how they could be better next time. This is his contribution to the community and he tells that if they fix their mistakes, they could eventually be deserving of a 20% tip. He is a 12-14% tipper. It is clearly a power move on his part and he feels good about it. James asks for the valet to bring his Tesla around even when there isn't a valet at the restaurant. More than one time, the host of the restaurant has brought around his car because James refused to make his girlfriend walk the 100 feet to the car. After all, he just spent his hard earned money at this establishment and he makes it clear that he has many other options to eat but he made the decision to eat here. They should be so lucky. James has a lot of friends and makes sure that they are just a little bit less successful than him so he that he can be the big dawg as he likes to say but he also heard that you are product of the people that you spend time around so he doesn't hang around with schmucks. He had a friend Tyler once who brought over Coors Light to his penthouse, safe to say that Tyler is no longer invited to the dinner parties. Oddly enough, just two years ago James would shotgun Coors Lights until the morning hours but he is a professional now and would die before he concerned himself with Lite beer. James has the biggest penis of all his friends and he made sure this was the case. Immediately after college, he gathered several of his friends and they all dropped their pants to compare. There were a few friends who were larger than  him but James couldn't have that so they weren't invited back into the inner circle post-university. James doesn't smoke marijuana, he will never be a loser stoner. His preferred drug of choice is clearly cocaine. James doesn't like snorting it because he never wants to have a coke nose so he is a gum it kind of guy, which is a stylistic choice for him. James and his girlfriend have sex 3 times a week. Usually James will tell her that the dragon needs to be drained so that he can focus on work. She obliges, they do doggy because it is the only way that James can cum. He makes her call him King James, it is unclear if it is religious or not. This brings us to the present day and James had a stressful day at work and luckily it is a sex day so things are looking up. He decided to take a half day at work because the morning was too much for him. He was surprised to find his girlfriend at the penthouse with his former friend Tyler, the Coors Light loser. Tyler was getting out of the shower and was asking girlfriend if she was ready for round 2. James was appalled and asked his girlfriend what the fuck was going on? As one does, she says it is not what it looks like though we all know that it is exactly what it looks like. James sits down in the chair in the corner of the bedroom. He ponders for a minute and then says go ahead for round 2, just let me be here for it. Tyler and girlfriend are confused but what James says goes. James then watches as Tyler and his girlfriend have acrobatic sex for nearly an hour. This is exactly what James needed after such a stressful day. 

My love

You taught me much

About myself and life 

Attempts to stave off loneliness since you’ve been gone

Have been futile to say the least

No one to make laugh or impress

Acting a fool in spite of your love

Rage about who I was

Confusion about who I am 

Never about you and only about me

Selfish is what I am 

Love for you has never left

Dreams are the real barometer

Just within reach but not close enough

Wishing you the best

You are better off without

Near no longer but still dear

Wrote this for you

Wrote this for me 

Undeserving of the love you gave 

My cross to bear