Lee Stupendous

Dear Dr. Moorehouse, 

I know it has been a while since I've written but there is a good reason for that. By good, I mean bleak which as you know I am quite fond of, a healthy amount of bleakness. With that being said, things have taken a turn. 

First, Mother has become a "brand ambassador" (her words) for a new skincare company. She now has a bumper sticker that says "Ask me about my skin". I did have the heart to tell her that it sounds like she is a serial killer, an entrepreneurial one at that. Safe to say that she did not love hearing that, especially after I explained how a pyramid scheme works. Honestly, it would be cooler if she was a serial killer. She didn't love to hear that either. 

Secondly, this ghastly fellow from school named Trevor decided to strike up a conversation with me which in itself is abhorrent but it gets worse. He began the conversation with a question, a certain question that is nearly unfathomable. I think you'll agree with me. He asked me when the last time I watched Kevin Hart's special from 2010 "Seriously Funny"? Yes, you're right, there is a lot to unpack there. Is Trevor stating that this comedy special is something one goes back to periodically throughout their life, like a Bible verse when you need a refresher on how you're fucking up (Sorry about the cursing, but you can agree it is necessary for this occasion)? How often does Trevor watch this? "I've never seen it." "No, but like when was the last time you watched it? Everyone has seen it, it is seriously funny." Dr. Moorehouse, the kid had no shame in making the terrible pun and winked after he said it. It is punishable by spontaneous guillotine and you know it. I proceeded to grab Trevor's arm (gently) and told him to never speak to me again. Honestly, he hasn't spoken to me since so I guess it's not all bleak. 

Lastly, this is the biggest thing of all. I told my guardians and acquaintances (I've tried to use the "f” (amily) word but I just can't do it. I hope you understand) that I wanted a period of 7 days completely alone and undisturbed. A completely normal request and not too much to ask from them. They literally have to do nothing at all and the task is complete. Halfway through the first day of my sabbatical from real life, my old acquaintance showed up at the house and against my request, Mother allowed them in. I nearly did not hear them enter as Mayhem was plucking at my heartstrings with their harmonious lyrics. The first thing out of the acquaintance was to say sorry as if this was a forgivable offense. They said that they hadn't seen me in a while and wanted to tell me about their new start-up that does tests on animal tests to make sure that they are safe for other companies to continue to test their products on animals. They said that it was a better way for us to make sure that we are testing animals safely. They also mentioned that had recently become a vegetarian not vegan though because they can't give up cheese. I have yet to respond to them and they waited eagerly with a smile that felt forced. "I like your music, I've never heard it before. Are they new?" I decided that was only one way out of this and I know that you aren't going to love this which is the reason that I saved it for the end. I faked a heart attack. I know that you said that faking a heart attack is not an effective way to get out of uncomfortable situations but Doc, I truly had no other choice. Was I going to talk to this person? Especially during my sabbatical from this nonsense exactly. Acquaintance yelled for my mother who knew what I was doing as this had been used for her before and asked her if they should call 911 but Mother told them to leave, and that she would take care of it. Though hesitant, Acquaintance made their way out of the front door. "You can get up now, you freak" Mother knew that I loved being called freak so that was a nice touch. Luckily, I successfully finished my sabbatical from life and decided that I would write to you. Though I have been thinking about expanding my next sabbatical, tossing around the idea of a 30-day one. Sounds warm and fuzzy to me. Anyway, I hope things are not too bleak for you, just a little. Thanks, Dr. Moorehouse, we will talk soon. 

Adequate wishes, 

Emery Sharp

I can see it on your face, smooth and delicate as it is. The pain seeps through and you know it. There is nothing you can do to hide it. I feel it too, it is written on my face in the same way. The aching pain of living that most push down in order to keep moving. The blood under your nails, tearing into your own flesh whether you want to or not. The impulse to die never itself dies. To plunge yourself into oblivion sounds like a nice evening activity. This sickening should bond us all but it most certainly doesn't. Smiling faces all around and it bothers you because you wish that you had that but know that you never could. Asleep while you're awake because it's easier that way. Being lifted from your body though doesn't lead to transcendence as it doesn't exist. Tuning into a frequency of those in the ground is the only you feel like you can truly rest. It's not all bad, there are momentary glimpses into enlightenment only to be shrouded in darkness later that day. Looking up to see phone calls and cheer, wondering where you went wrong. I know you can't remember the last time you had a phone call but this is your own doing because deep down, you have nothing to say. The faces believe that this is the culprit of your darkness, that you wish you had what they have. In reality, whatever that means, it is the exact opposite. Sitting in silence is your best trick because your mind is too full for anything to break through. The tragedy is that you could never have what they have because your heart decayed long ago. The graying of your skin isn't always apparent to those who look but I can see it. Paying the toll each day for being existent though not truly alive. Walking on the highway and the cars never swerve, hitting you head-on every time. I wish I had the remedy but we both know that it doesn't exist. We know that coughing up blood is a disease, one that can not be cured. The pain purges every day because it can't find anywhere to go but flow through us. We are empty and can never be free but at last, we share this connection. 

Wake up in the afternoon to my dread

Open the door to the youthful joy that one can only hope for

Fun and games in a real sense

Joy for the joy's sake and nothing else

Laughter because it's funny and only that

Night and day, it's the discovery of new things and it is endless

No hierarchy, no pain

Not from me but from them, the innocent souls

Shielded from the world of pain

And thank the universe for that

At least for now

I hope their sorrow is not like mine

If I can have one thing in this life 

It is that, that the joy never leaves

And if it does, I hope it comes back 

With the same intensity that is there now

Because there is nothing purer

It keeps me alive 

As much as I push against it

It is a light that can't be put out 

And I hope it never goes away

I guess I should thank you

Those who made me this way

Eternal vomit

Bloody teeth

An enemy of progression

Non - existent 

Don't look at me

You can't take any more

Ripping out the heart 

Though it stopped beating long ago

Go back to your box

Stay there and look at your face

Give me me me love, without it

You may simply just pass away

Shut the fuck up

Killing your friends

It's fun for you

Sharpening your teeth

So the cut is cleaner than the last time

I resign 

From all of it

Chained to the bed and not in a fun way. 

Thoughts and feelings flow out of the head until they are gone. 

The void has taken its place on the mantle. 

The growth starts small and builds and builds until there is no pushback. 

To another planet you go, one where you can't move. 

The puzzle pieces of pain have been put together, a masterpiece for the proprietor. 

Moving past the point of resistance and into acceptance of the lack of denial. 

Ceasing to exist in the world as you knew it and dying a tragic death because you're still awake. 

The chains feel familiar and new. It's easier to not resist, the chains feel like home. 

An eternal prison built just for you.